Being a sexual empowerment coach, one of the things that I get asked about the most is how to feel more pleasure or experience bigger, more explosive, delicious types of orgasm.
So, I’m going to give you my 5 most potent tips to experience more pleasure.
I’ll start off by saying that I actually get asked this question by people a lot when I tell them what I do. “Oh my gosh, what, you’re a sexuality coach?! Do you like, show people how to orgasm?! Like, do you get naked and show them on yourself, or are you touching them?!” Seriously, I get this all the time! What I want to add here is that when a woman cannot experience orgasm, or when it’s hard for us to experience pleasure, this is because of psychological factors and not physical ones. You’ve probably heard all the tips from Cosmo magazine like, “incorporate food into your love-making” or “handcuff him”, or different sex positions to try. I’m not going to give you any of that. I’m going to give you some real tips that will actually help you.
TIP 1 – SELF LOVE
The first one is self-love. This is because the relationship and comfort you have with your body will directly determine your ability to experience orgasm and pleasure. There are so many women that I work with who are unable to surrender to orgasm because they are too fixated on worrying about what their body looks like in the moment. This includes if you’re in the middle of sex thinking about the size of your breasts, whether you look fat or if your cellulite is showing, whatever you’ve been conditioned to feel shame around – because we’ve all got some sort of conditioning. We know that a lot of us feel shame around our vulva and our vaginas. There’s an association around this region being “dirty”. It usually starts from toilet training as a young child and then carries on through adulthood with feminine hygiene companies, with everyone around us just conditioning us to feel ashamed of our periods and personal hygiene “down there”.
Then there is the porn industry, which makes us feel embarrassed by our un-airbrushed, natural vulva and all the different beautiful shapes and sizes they come in. We only really see one cookie-cutter type of vulva in porn – so when people don’t have a vulva that looks like that, they think there’s something wrong with them. There are all sorts of shame we hold onto and many women go into sex thinking, “Do I smell? Am I too dry? Does it look funny? Am I dirty?”. How the hell are you meant to focus on pleasure when you’ve got all this bullshit consuming your thoughts?!
Here’s the thing – pleasure and orgasm all happens in your body. So, if you’re up in your head thinking about all the things you don’t like about yourself, you’ll be missing out on all of the good stuff.
Practice having a positive conversation with the parts of your body you most dislike. You can do this by looking in the mirror naked, complimenting yourself, sending love to these parts of your body. The more you do this practice and connect with yourself in a loving way, the more this loving truth will be ingrained into your brain. Eventually it’ll just become a habit to think positively about yourself – you can trick yourself into feeling comfortable in your skin, and therefore into higher peaks of pleasure. Hell yeah!
TIP 2 – GRATITUDE
The second component is gratitude. We notice in our everyday lives that if we’re grateful for the things that we have, the universe will deliver more of those things, right? If you want to experience more pleasure or orgasms, you need to celebrate and acknowledge the pleasure your body is providing you with right now. Your body is more receptive to positive appraisal than to criticism, meaning that your body gives you more pleasure when it feels loved and supported. If having an orgasm is your main goal, and you get really disappointed and annoyed when it doesn’t happen, what you are actually doing is putting more pressure on your body and causing it to shut down. This disconnects you and pulls you away from orgasm altogether. Instead of forcing your body into orgasm, be thankful for every slight sensation, each pleasure you experience and in return your body will naturally begin to soften and open without that unnecessary pressure. Without that stress, it will surrender to even more pleasure the next time.
Let’s talk about how to adopt this into your life now. After each self-pleasure session or sexual experience with a partner, whether you’ve orgasmed or not, close your eyes and connect with your body. Recall the deliciousness that she just provided you with, and send endless amounts of love and gratitude to her for being able to receive that.
TIP 3 – GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD
I hear so many women say they’ve had sex with a guy and just cannot get out of their head. I’ve done this before – you’re halfway through a love-making session, thinking about the laundry you have to put on or watching a spider on the ceiling, and it just completely kills the mood. Your mind is the biggest culprit when it comes to difficulty orgasming, so you need to turn off your scattered thoughts and turn off your mind. Dive back into your body because this is where all the magic is happening. It’s all well and good for me to say this, but it’s more difficult to do in the moment. My tip is to begin being more mindful outside of the bedroom so you can practice the habit.
Practice sitting in meditation, closing your eyes, and taking a few deep breaths. Allow your mind to be quiet and relaxed, let go of any thoughts and bring all of your awareness to your vagina. With all of your awareness on your vagina, I want you to focus on all the different sensations that arise from moment to moment. Everytime you catch yourself getting distracted, that’s okay. Everytime you notice any thoughts coming up, just lovingly let them go and sink back down into your body and into your vagina. Try and stay with this for about 5 minutes. The same technique can be used during sex, but it can be more easily adapted into a sexual practice if it’s embodied first as a solo meditation practice.
TIP 4 – BREATH
My next tip for you is using your breath. Breath is really powerful, but most of us growing up were probably taught that masturbation and self-pleasure was bad. We would have done it in fear and rushed to get it over and done with, trying to avoid being caught. This has led to habitual rushed masturbation and breath-holding. Oftentimes, we put so much focus on the “golden orgasm” that we completely forget to breathe – but breathing is a fundamental, integral ingredient for the ultimate incredible orgasm! This is for a number of reasons. One, your breath helps you to relax, allowing a free flow of sexual energy throughout the body. A tense body on the other hand causes blockages in the pathways and forces pleasure to stay localised in particular areas. The throat chakra is also directly linked to the sexual chakra. A relaxed, surrendered throat and a relaxed breath, breathing slowly in and out of the mouth, equals a surrendered pussy. A surrendered pussy equals better orgasm – ta-dah!
Another reason is your breath actually soothes the nervous system by relieving anxious thoughts like the body insecurities that I mentioned above. It also helps with mindfulness, so it keeps the focus placed in the body instead of being distracted by the thoughts of the mind. The breath can really help with all of these little things; staying in the body, clearing out the mind and connecting to pleasure. During self-pleasure or with a partner focus on the breath, slow down, keep a deep, slow, connected breath in and out of your mouth. Focus on breathing and quality of love, and drink this love into every single cell in your body. On the exhale release any thoughts, feelings and sensations that aren’t serving you, and just allow yourself to be completely present in this moment.
TIP 5 – LANGUAGE
It’s all about language. A great saying to remember here is, “Whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right”. That is 100 % true in this case! If you believe that something can’t happen, how do you expect the universe to follow through with it? We need to remove “can’t” from your vocabulary. There are so many times I’ve had women coming to me saying they want to do coaching – they come to me because they say they can’t orgasm in a certain position, or from intercourse or whatever it might be. So much “can’t can’t can’t”!
There is so much power in your thoughts, and using the word “can’t” is creating a barrier in your sexuality. This thought defeats you before you even get started, and it shuts down opportunities before they even have the chance to present themselves. Instead of thinking “I can’t orgasm” think “I haven’t yet orgasmed”, or “my body will open me up to orgasm when she’s ready”. Let yourself get excited about it! Tell yourself, “I can’t wait until I can orgasm in whatever position”, or, “my body will surprise me with orgasm in divine timing”. Even simply…
“I am orgasmic”.
What a beautiful statement that is. Just remember that orgasm isn’t something that happens to you, it’s something that you are.
I really encourage you the next time your partner wants to try a position that you believe you can’t orgasm from or enjoy, to just let that thought slip from your mind. Instead be open to the possibility of what could happen. If your desire is to be able to orgasm in a particular way or from a particular position, but you keep turning it down because you don’t believe it’s possible, that desire is just never going to be met. You need to be open and willing to try.
