It doesn’t matter how great your parents/ caregivers were or how amazing your upbringing was, somewhere along the way you would have picked up and attached some limiting and destructive narratives to your sexuality. Whether you received the messages directly or indirectly there is no doubt that your views around your sexual essence have been warped and pulled out of alignment due to social conditioning.
The collective narrative around sex is that it’s dirty, shameful, disgusting, sinful or dangerous in one way or another. And as a child, it would have been necessary for you to take on this collective belief as a means of fitting in.
I quickly learnt that I had to hide my innate sexual essence otherwise I would be told off. And the underlying message was always that expressing my sexual nature would make me unloved, unsafe or disowned. And no doubt, it’s the same for you too!
You’ve accepted these limitations, and there is still a part of you that believes you must suppress your sexual essence in order to be safe and accepted. Nobody wants to be slut-shamed right??
In adult life, this part of you holds you back from feeling sexy in order to protect you from judgment, danger or losing the love from the people around you. Your need for love, safety and belonging overrides everything, ALWAYS, EVERY TIME, including your desire to feel sexy.
Safety before sexy!!
Therefore, the only way to live a sex-positive life in a sex-negative world is to create new empowering narratives that say “I can be sexy and still be loved, safe and belong”.
Many women are waiting to receive new narratives, but it really needs to come from yourself. You’re no longer a child, you no longer need permission from adults around you to do things. But the inner child within you still believes she does.
If you’re not familiar with the inner child, in popular psychology and analytical psychology, the inner child refers to your childlike aspects and is the semi-independent subpersonality that still holds onto everything you learnt as a child, usually before the age of 7. Your inner child is that piece of you that holds you back from expressing your innate sexual orgasmic nature in fear of being too much, not enough, the fear of rejection, fear of being hurt, etc..
So how do we let this inner child know that she is safe so that you can give yourself permission to feel sexy?
You need to give her some new narratives by becoming the caregiver you needed back then.
Think of the age you felt most confused around your sexuality or being female (under the age of 7) and either find a photo of yourself that age or visualise this younger version of yourself sitting in front of you.
As your own caregiver, I invite you to share with this little girl all of the wisdom, knowledge, support and empowering truths you wish you received back then.
Once she is given the support she needs and knows that sexuality isn’t something to be afraid of she’ll no longer be trigger by the thought of you showing up as your sexy self and you’ll have control over your life again.
This is a great way to start working with the inner child but I go into it much deeper in WER.
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